Oh Dearest,
My mind is buzzing. It’s been a dizzying month. Or half a year. From New York City craziness, I flew to California, and a whole different kind of crazy. My travel schedule included long drives up and down California, to and fro palm desert to see through my projects at Coachella and Stagecoach. I write this to you as I recover from the big April and ease back into city life. I landed in at midnight last week, and I slept through nearly every day until Sunday. While working!
I knew it would be an interesting point in the year- finally building out a project I’d been working on for months, new faces, different personalities, scenarios, out of routine and away from my normal cast of characters. I always learn a lot from experiences that take you out of your normal day-to-day for an extended time.
Here’s a list of what went through my mind, and their corresponding reflections:
Do you need to push now? Or do you need to rest?
Life always evolves
Being alive, with people, is hard
Realizing the “I Can Do It” energy
The exhaustion of guilt
Things People Say - Keep the Tank Full
Photos at the end.
YOU NEED REST
I AM SO TIRED! Every single day, there’s a huge amount on my to-do list. In my “free time”, I practice or go see music, or socialize, or run errands, etc. There’s so little time that is unallocated. Even “fun” activities start to feel like work. I don’t think I can be a maximizer anymore. It’s too hard- especially in NYC where every day there are at least 5 great things you could be doing. And as I wrote about, in my big lessons of 2023, you need time and space to think. After Stagecoach and an 8 hour drive from palm desert to San Francisco bay area, I slept in late and took 2 hour naps from Sunday to Sunday. Of course, I wondered if I was ill or was developing a condition, but wouldn’t you know it, after a lot of sleep, I felt much better.
I just put in my request for a random week off. Aren’t you proud? I’m working towards taking more control over my time and energy. A good rest ethic is a good work ethic.
ENTROPY- YOU CAN’T STIR THE COFFEE CREAM BACK IN PLACE
When you ask, everybody always says not much has changed- because they only see within their own four walls everyday. But it isn’t true. There is always something going on… life is a little bit more fluid than we think and nothing stays the same, ever. New skills are gained, new faces are met, new ideas are had, even if your LinkedIn profile hasn’t had any updates. That really is my experience of other people who say “not much”, when I ask “what’s new?”
Of course after a little conversational massaging they open up and tell me about their new friends, new ideas, etc. Preparing for an engagement? Yeah, things evolve.
BEING ALIVE (WITH PEOPLE)
When I’m working in the desert, I’m with people in the hot sun for 12 hours. There are a lot of different personalities. People are fun, people are funny, people get stressed, annoyed, and generally it’s impossible that everyone gets along. Socializing stresses me out greatly, as I will continue to discuss later. There were great conversations, there were weird conversations- when you really start seeing cracks in the seams. And I wonder how much I reveal my own “cracks”.
I started noticing how drained I got from constantly wondering how seriously to take people, and trying to understand different dynamics and politics. But it was a good case for practicing caring less and accept that it doesn’t really matter.
Plus, alone, is alone, and not alive. I watched Stephen Sondheim’s Company with Neil Patrick Harris and the great Patti Lupone…very smart and funny writing. Plus one of my favorite songs, “Being Alive.” I don’t know much about musicals and generally don’t love the genre but this was really fantastic..
For those unfamiliar, Bobbi is in his mid-thirties, unmarried, and asks his married friends whether they think being married is worth it.
Fun fact one of the actors was the bass player Carrie dates in Sex and the City.
“IF THEY CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT”
Can’t relate. If they can do it, they probably have some sort of superpower or strength I do not possess. In theory I know how to ask for the opportunity, and hustle, but I’ve been afraid for too long. However, after years of putting my head down and working, building up experience (and thus my confidence), a small dose of caring less, I just might get out of my head.
Just like it’s hard to know when you should rest or push, it’s hard to know when you need more experience, or you’re just lowballing yourself.
One hot desert Saturday, I was chatting with a coworker, who really made me feel like I could do it. I don’t know what it was. I think her personality was admirable - she was a great talker, but not obnoxious or full of hot air. She was down to earth and great at what she does, riding the intersection between her natural strengths and interests. She doesn’t use flashiness to impress people.
Although I’ve been worried that my shy disposition would forever be a glass ceiling, one has to consider that we were on the same project, sitting in the same tent. We arrived at the same place anyways. But, I think I could stand to get better at chit-chat and sales. She along with others have influenced the conversation in my head this year, reframing how I view work and what I have to bring to the table. Perhaps I misjudged myself and my abilities and experience. Or perhaps it’s time to evolve.
Watching her be her, have fun, have so much energy, and take the lesser known route in order to build her own dream up, was beautiful. It gave me the dose of “can do” I hadn’t felt in a while. And it was easier to get that dose, outside of my typical matrix, in a desert, away from my typical ideas and mental wireframe.
THE GUILT
Thrust into different environments, I feel everything more acutely. I just started realizing how much I worry about how other people feel, what they think of me, and overanalyzing their words and behavior. Overanalyzing my own actions and what effects they may have. Sometimes I have too much space to imagine crazy things. I doubt my decisions and always feel I should be doing more. Which, isn’t true. Right now, I want to be doing less things but more intensely.
I’m going to be 30 this year. I hear that a lot of inner craziness vanishes for people when they turn 30 and I see why. No more energy.
There were a few moments of bliss this last weekend, waking up to a slow and free morning, having nowhere to be, and nothing to do but feel a cool breeze come through the window. I allowed myself to rest. And it was paradise.
THINGS PEOPLE SAY
The only night I stayed ‘till the end of show, I finally made the late night hang with my coworkers. One of them told me a story that I took as a sign, after a confusing month, that something’s gotta give.
It was his mid 20s, he’s living out of his truck and always running out of gas. Filling up $5 or $15 dollars at a time. His friend comes to visit and fills up his tank for him. She says she tries to keep it full and every time she thinks about getting gas she does it. She fills it up way before it’s close to empty. That way she never has to worry about how many miles she has left and how much she’ll need to get here or there.
He told me, “you’re worrying about the wrong thing.”
FIN
So here’s to life! With all its crazy and its boring. Also got to see my good friend and auntie perform songs from her new album with an orchestra in April ⤵️
Yours truly,
Connie
P.S. Film photos of some favorite places and people.
First, the sequined cactii are a riot!
Next: It's very important to conserve our personal energy. We can do that by not caring what people think of us. Not because we're narcissists, but because we answer to a higher authority.
We also waste a lot of personal energy by worrying. And talking to people can be very draining. So hermit instincts are not always based on fear....there is genuine value in retreating to recharge the battery.
When considering how to manage my time, I go by feeling. Yesterday our neighbors dropped by for a visit, when I really wanted to be working on the presentation I had to give today. But I like them and we drank wine and discussed interesting topics like the intersection of gender and identity. I surrendered to the moment. After they left, my notes did get written and my presentation today went well.
As someone who has a naturally high anxiety level, my main daily goal is to feel as relaxed as possible, as often as possible. This requires regular alone-time. Maybe this resonates with you 😉
loveeee the photos!!