INSIDE, OUT #41

showing up as yourself

Dearest,

Lately I’ve been thinking about how to let what’s inside be known. On stage and off. Though many times thinking about the bandstand or standing before a blank canvas, I am unsure if I have anything to say at all.

At times I feel numb and the barrier just won’t come down, because I don’t know if I can put me out there like that. And when you’re standing in front of a mic with people looking at you, it’s hard to want to open up.

Yet there IS something to say. There are tons of disappointments, fears, longings and joys that are long past talking about. So maybe they can be placed into the work.

Being me in my work is the focus as of late- using my particular set of skills and getting my point of view in. There is some progress and surprise, surprise, it was not made sitting in my room meditating on it. I found a sense of agency in unexpected places, different mediums- playing in different art forms, learning about other artists, going out, and talking to people. Through living.

MY TEACHERS

Of course, one evening as I wondered where my aliveness had evaporated to, I suddenly found myself sobbing in the shower. I got freaked out. Although many streets in my new neighborhood have become familiar, nothing is yet “home”. I can’t drive around Silverado Canyon on Sundays, and I haven’t seen my old housemates’ smiling faces in a while. She won’t come stomping in and they can’t invite me have dinner with them. I can’t go park in the big grass field and sing mountain tunes to myself. And most of all, I have no idea what this new life will look like. I can dream all I want, set goals all I want, but I just don’t know.

And that’s okay! The past is past. So I dried the tears, stepped up to bat and then some interesting things happened that confirmed my suspicion that keeping on is the right move. And I thank the tears, because there are some things I cannot find without them.

Something about Shirley Horn’s infinite negative space in ballads, and almost, a hesitation(?) on every other beat, brought the rain to my eyes.

“Today I may not have a thing at all, except for just a dream or two” ⤵️

Inside my Silent Tear… I’m returning to some of my favorite singers this week. And I found this lovely rendition by Carmen McRae.. man is she another I love to hear sing a ballad. I’ve never heard this tune before and I found that Blossom Dearie wrote it. I don’t think she wrote the lyrics, but what music. And Carmen seems to know exactly what she’s talking about.

“Sometimes I laugh too much, to hide the emptiness” ⤵️

SAUL LEITER

To prepare for an upcoming day of shooting, I splurged on two Saul Leiter photography books at a local shop on afternoon. Totally struck by his ability to capture the ordinary, and see something special in it. His relaxed and undramatic philosophy towards his work was also very refreshing, and just what I needed:

“I go out to take a walk, I see something, I take a picture. I take photographs. I have avoided profound explanations of what I do.” - Saul Leiter

What I love about street photography, is what I love about life. There are moments everywhere, and the point of street photography is simply to have the eye for it and catch them. You’ll miss a lot of things, but another will come. And it isn’t about grandeur, just about your perspective. It’s been a great exercise and a great way to walk through the city.

What’s cool is I even recognize some of the neighborhoods he was shooting in. Saul and his longtime partner Soames also lived in East Village, close to me.

I really adore this picture with the kid and his mother, from low height. These are scenes we are extremely familiar with and yet few would frame as a moment.

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TRYING ON MY OWN EYES

Mine are not quite as sharp… but here are a few shots I took on my vintage Canon point and shoot with Lomography 800. I took film to the lab at lunch and got the scans back in the afternoon! My black and white roll should be developed tomorrow and I’m hoping for the best as shots don’t always come out the way I thought they would.

Film is exciting. I’m starting to enjoy editing as well. I only liked 1 or 2 shots out of 36 but after some cropping and accentuating colors I found the feeling I wanted out of these.

As always… drop me a line about, whatever you’re thinking about 🙂

Yours,

Connie