I'M AFRAID TO FALL IN LOVE #38
cus there's always another shoe
Dearest,
At times I don’t know if I have much to say when I feel “in flow” in a macro way.
After playing some tunes I was having a nice dinner at 11pm with a friend the eve before leaving NY for the holidays. The pub was warm, lit with Christmas magic, and played music at a very comfortable level (the city is so loud 😩). Over pork rinds we chat about New York, jazz, and improvement. I think he’s often talking to himself when he’s talking to me, but I don’t mind because they’re things I’m repeating to myself too. We’re all doing this weird and difficult thing, spending a ton of time and energy to get better constantly. Why jazz? he asks. Well, because of how well it pays and all the fans, of course.
There are a lot of great musicians in NY. World class, legendary ones too. At certain moments it has felt like everyone is a Juilliard or Manhattan School of Music alum. Great singers used to make me feel horrible about myself, but that’s mostly gone. I still get intimidated but I don’t feel like a lesser person. It was hard, but I’ve worked on those feelings. I’m now glad to be in the room with them. Although singing after someone incredible still feels like getting a physical next to a supermodel.
Music school is expensive, particularly because paying off student loans with music is…well I don’t understand it to be honest. In California it was hard to learn. I lived far from most jams and gigs so there just wasn’t enough going on. Geographically, New York changes that. Now there’s great music and people just down the street. And moving to NY is cheaper than a degree. You’ll get The Rub™️, my friend says. I hope so. There are still challenges- I don’t always have the time I want to put in, and I’m not the most daring so I don’t always take the chances I should. But I look for solutions. I break action down into teeny, tiny dumb steps that I actually can do. Perhaps my steps are only centimeters apart but they’ll get me where I’m going.
I marvel at the fact that my friend studied with Kenny Washington. It seems normal for people here to have studied and gone to school with great musicians. And to me that’s incredible. But he tells me sometimes they feel it too. How special that is. I remember the first time I saw Kenny and Peter Washington chatting with people at the bar at Smalls. Is there any other place in the world, or any other “sport” where that’s true? I could be a decent football player and not be rubbing elbows with Tom Brady.
It’s 41 degrees outside and my friend says I’m f’ed as I shiver. I gawk at the mention of negative degrees. “All it takes is one hard New York winter,” he says, “the city can wear you down, you might get robbed..” and I thought about earlier that evening when someone cornered me in the train station, asking for $ and followed me around for a bit when I tried to shake him. I suppose I should bring down my Manhattan glow and brace for winter. Managing expectations has always served me well.
But over the last few weeks I started falling in love with the city. As a resident, not a visitor. Yes trains have been delayed*, yes my street has bums, yes there are rodents, yes I live in a walk-up, yes everything is expensive and buying things can be inconvenient despite there being bodegas on every corner. And yes I am dealing with the weather. It is very cold outside and very hot inside. I don’t know what to do about that. But I enjoy it. It’s funny sometimes.
Maybe the city will chew me up and spit me out. But I don’t want to hold my breath when the beautiful views are so close, and I don’t want to stop smiling to my inner self that’s happy we’re here. I’m scared to fall in love- maybe this is all just novelty and the magic will wear off…but I want to enjoy it while I can. A gradual fade would be fine, but I’ve had enough rude awakenings for the season.
I thought I didn’t have much to say then out came all this blah blah blah.
GOOD VIBES, GOOD SOUNDS
It’s Christmas but I haven’t been listening to any Christmas tunes. I haven’t even heard them much around the city. I’m in a ballad mood. I’m foraying into Sarah Vaughan’s tone finally, and relaxing into this stunner.
I’ve been busy digging into other vocalists but I was listening to this version of Tenderly, one of my favorite ballads, and remembered why I so love Carmen. The phrasing feels so true, with such a tasteful amount of space.
Caught a NYC vocalist Tyreek McDole at Black Cat SF the other night. He did a nice arrangement of this song complete with audience participation. It was pretty uplifting. His baritone is beautiful-strong but also so mellow. Definitely another one to admire.
P.S.
On my way to JFK → SFO, it was 3 trains to the airport. I had already conquered dragging a big suitcase down 5 flights of stairs out of my building, and 2 flights of stairs down to the first train platform, and as I worried on my transfer I’d have to take stairs up to the right platform, the A train was right across from me! HUZZAH!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
Let me know what you think of the music- and please- stop scaring me about the winter… I’ll find out soon enough 😩
Do you like Theo Bleckmann? I think he lives in NY. He does some really cool projects.